The Miami Heat and The Empire Strikes Back

First, I apologize if you are a Miami Heat fan reading this, actually no, I hope you realize that your team is evil in every facet! (Just kidding, kind of..) Okay, so we know the story. Miami Heat builds it’s team into a juggernaut after the 2010 NBA season. All the teams that face them are getting crushed by the Emperor (Pat Riley) who persuaded his loyal servant Darth Vader to join him (LeBron James) and a slew of other villains bent on dominating the galaxy, err the league. After the Death Star was destroyed by those dastardly rebels who had no shot to begin with (Dallas Mavericks) they decide to just go into full f*ck you mode and start destroying everything, they decimate Hoth (2012 NBA Finals) with an armada of AT-AT’s with LeBron James at the reigns and Mike Miller’s barrage of threes (Where the hell did that come from?!) killing any dream that the rebels would win. (So sorry Thunder fans, I’m one of you..) So the Empire just goes on an all out blitz on the galaxy. So we get to the Spurs, the last hope, the dutiful, well rounded, under appreciated team of the decade. They train with Master Yoda, (Popovich, seriously, he is smartest coach in the league, possible top 3 coach as well) sharpen their skills with the force and looks like they have a shot of knocking off Darth Vader and his cronies Boba Fett (Dwayne Wade) and Jar-Jar Binks. (Chris Bosh.. Just kidding, he’s more of all the storm troopers who met their demise and yes I know Jar-Jar wasn’t in the ESB, I just couldn’t help myself..) So Han and everyone else is thinking, “Hey, we did it! We made it to Cloud City, we outran the empire, WE’RE GONNA DO THIS! (Spurs take a 3-2 lead and are seconds away from their fifth title) Suddenly, Darth Vader shows up and shit’s on the Spurs party, and freezes Han Solo in carbonite. This is identical to Ray Allen’s buzzer beating three to send the game into overtime, quickly erasing all good outcomes for our heroes. Game seven occurs and Darth Vader chops off Luke’s hand, (LeBron’s final shot to seal the deal) overpowering him and basically basking in his win over the team that humiliated him so many years ago. Tragic ending, but Luke get’s his hand back, and Tim Duncan hasn’t retired so the way I see it at least we still have Return of the Jedi to look forward to, right? And if you still don’t believe that Pat Riley is the Emperor, look no further!

The ultimate person of persuasion in his bathrobe..

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